Never Miss the Fall

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time. It feels like since the pandemic there has been a constant barrage of change.

It feel like life is a rollercoaster.

Here we are going up the hill again. Then we are plunging downward. The body is thrown to the left and the right. Am I breathing? Can I think?

Like COVID itself, there are some plateaus.

That’s when the unprocessed grief shows up. I try to stretch it out. I try to meditate. I want to primal scream into the forest.

For the first time in my entire life except pregnancy, I skipped my period. I’m 48. I have the night sweats. I live with a teenager and I’m in perimenopause. It’s hard. I feel highjacked by hormones. My husband is a saint.

It’s in times like these that I must hunt for the joy.

I pick out trees on the way to work that I find beautiful. I schedule regular lunch dates with a friend. I savor my son wanting to watch a movie with me.

What is grounding? What is nourishing? How can I give myself some grace?

Even with good change, change is hard. I started a new job. I could tell you lots of great things about it. But, it’s new and it’s all happened quickly.

Change is hard.

“She’s so bubbly,” they say at work. I try to bring some light down to the basement.

What they don’t know is that’s not natural for me.

I work at that. I work at it every day.

When I was pregnant I was so sick that I was on bed rest an entire fall. I love fall and I missed it – the entire thing. I vowed I would treasure all the falls to come.

Because even if winter is coming – you never want to miss the fall. Those moments of beauty – they will carry you through the darkness.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s